Features
Susan Bagel: Salad
As the leaves begin to quiver and let themselves go from the branch they once called home, I find myself yearning for the warm summer sun …
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Horseman of Famine Now Dorming in Eighth College
“Eat up! Just kidding,” said Famine.Photo by Dylan Schmidt According to a recent Instagram post made by Famine, the 3rd Horseman of the Apocalypse, it has …
Quiet on Campus!
My headphones broke. I guess that’s what I get for buying a cheap, shity pair off Amazon. Both of my roommates are constantly on call in …
Campus Right-Wing Groups Start Marxist Reading Group
“It’s not beer versus weed, its lit versus sober,” said one conservative student.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Earlier this month, several campus conservative groups, including the Fraternal …
Dark Priest Labels Anti-Demon Eye Activists as ‘Terrorists’
I’m going to make a killing!”, said one optometrist.Photo by Cole Johnson In his recent interview, the High Priest of the Watcher’s Children (WC) Garrett Langley …
Is It Too Late to Change My Major?
It has come to my attention that I am now entering my senior year of college, a thought that sends shivers down my spine. With merely …
Papier-Mâché Elephant Planned for White House Ballroom, Goes Unaddressed
“Uhhh the rioters keep chanting Khosla and the word hung, we don’t know what that means,”said one admin member.Photo by Amit Roth Following the Supreme Court’s …
FDA Opens New Restaurants Nationwide
“Are they looking at you? They’re looking at me, too,” said one photographer.Photo by Dylan Schmidt U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy …
Symbiosis and Amorousness
You know what they always say: “An apple core that missed the trashcan a day keeps the colony of ants fed and healthy!” In ant society, …
Girl Takes Glasses Off, Becomes ‘Most Attractive Person Ever’
“I still can’t see,” says girl.Photo by Jenna Smith One UCSD student has recently captured the attention of her peers, garnering massive popularity and influence on …
Local Mechanic Fixes ‘Guy With a Gun’ Printer
“I heard there’s a ‘Guy With a Knife’ machine in Edinburgh,” remarked one citizen.Photo by Amit Roth In a recent “win for 2nd Amendment advocacy,” HVAC …
Rising and Grinding
Gosh, my calves! I check my Apple Watch, wondering just how many extra points I’ll get for rolling another boulder. I usually stick to one a …
TritonGPT Servers to Be Installed in Your Dorm Room
“MMMMMMMMMMMM,” said one server.Photo by Jenna Smith In a decision heralded by UCSD’s administrative board as, “Bold, practical, and sensible,” TritonGPT servers will now be placed …
San Diego Recalls Mayor
“Maybe the decreased humidity will make the Padres play better,” sighed one disappointed fan.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala Former San Diego Mayor Ray Nedeigh was recalled following …
School Year Extended Indefinitely
“You have been condemned to Hell,” said Canvas.Photo by Ezra Bihis Over the past few weeks, UC San Diego undergraduates like Deni Isle have noted that …
Online Exclusives
Pharmaceutical Company Unveils New ‘Soma’ Wellness Pills
On March 8, Bernard Huxley, CEO of “wellness corporation” HuxleyHealth, which offers Instagram Reel–based primary care and supplementals announced BigBrother would be releasing a line of …
How The Sunshine Market Renovation Ruined My Life
Scene: It’s the first day of Spring Quarter, and I’m walking through Price Center. I am unbothered, serene even, as I dodge the usual lunchtime swarm …
Wait, You Guys Already Had Your Enrollment Times?
So, here’s the issue. I was under the impression that class enrollment just hadn’t happened for anyone yet. Because when enrollment times came out and WebReg …
