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Susan Bagel: Pickle
The dewy winds of spring have departed, and the waters they brought are remembered only by the ripened fruit. In the garden, my cucumber plants grow …
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New Gubernatorial Candidate Promises ‘It’ll All Get Better’
“We should be at brunch right now,” said one median voter.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Emerging from the “crowded” race for California governor comes another candidate intending …
Rumor Mills Shut down Nationwide, Gossip Majors Left Scrambling
“The Shrimp Jesus situation isn’t just crazy, it’s scandalous,” produced ChatGPT.Photo by Dylan Schmidt A record number of rumor mills have closed down operations nationwide, leaving …
Price Center Taco Bell Closes for Renovations
“When will they crunch-wrap-up the construction?” asked one eager student.Photo by Dylan Schmidt According to Kay Sadilla, manager of the Taco Bell at UC San Diego’s …
Just an Everyday Guy Loved by Billions (of Dollars)
Hey, ahah, could you spare me a dollar? Sorry, sorry, kidding. You took me back to my roots when I saw what you were wearing, back …
I’m Holding Your Mental Health Hostage vs. I Can’t Read the Ransom Note
Point: I’m Holding Your Mental Health Hostage Hello, Alan. I want to play a game. You won’t receive any of these instructions, only a note from …
‘Looksmaxxing’ Influencer Sternocleidomastoid ‘Famemaxxes’
“I wish someone looked at me the way Sterno looks at himself,” said Xbox user MuscleMaxxer208.Photo by Aidan Moran In recent months, adolescent male viewership of …
Some People Shouldn’t Have Jobs
Is it me, or are people just hiring anybody these days? I only ask because, last week, I heard that an old schoolmate of mine, Mandy, …
School Year Extended Indefinitely
“You have been condemned to Hell,” said Canvas.Photo by Ezra Bihis Over the past few weeks, UC San Diego undergraduates like Deni Isle have noted that …
Books Call for Lower Book Prices
“It’s time to fight back,” said the encyclopedia.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Class reading materials from nationwide university-run bookstores have begun to organize en masse in reaction …
There Are No Third Spaces Anymore! vs Get A Second Job, Dumbass!
Point: There Are No Third Spaces Anymore! The third space — a place that isn’t work or home — is a nearly extinct presence in modern …
Research Department Observes Theoretical Beach
“So this is what those beach episodes in anime were about?” said one weebish researcher.Photo by Amit Roth I n a shocking discovery made by “particularly …
Morality ‘Solved’
“I might be a cicada without feelings, but the rational thing is that I still love Usha,” said Cicada Vance.Photo by Amit Roth After successfully capturing …
Chancellor Named Sexiest Man Alive
“Uhhh the rioters keep chanting Khosla and the word hung, we don’t know what that means,”said one admin member.Photo by Adrien Agreste Last week, People Magazine …
Chancellor Khosla ‘Draws Line’ at Censoring Hate Speech
TIMELY WARNING: Suspect suspected, call (714) 227-4834 if spotted.Photo by Amit Roth On May 6, the Office of the Chancellor sent out a school wide email …
Online Exclusives
Pharmaceutical Company Unveils New ‘Soma’ Wellness Pills
On March 8, Bernard Huxley, CEO of “wellness corporation” HuxleyHealth, which offers Instagram Reel–based primary care and supplementals announced BigBrother would be releasing a line of …
How The Sunshine Market Renovation Ruined My Life
Scene: It’s the first day of Spring Quarter, and I’m walking through Price Center. I am unbothered, serene even, as I dodge the usual lunchtime swarm …
Wait, You Guys Already Had Your Enrollment Times?
So, here’s the issue. I was under the impression that class enrollment just hadn’t happened for anyone yet. Because when enrollment times came out and WebReg …
